January 25, 2014

What will I change in 2014?

Wow guys, I really miss writing for the blog! This afternoon, I was skyping with Jules and we were talking about the blog and whether or not we should write more personal post. I’ve been thinking about this for some time now and really wanted to write a respond to Julia’s beautiful post about her new year resolutions and her ups and downs in 2013, but I just didn’t really know how to start. Well, last week I read this amazing article on a blog I really love,  Design Love Fest (read the article here: Article). In this article, Bri Emery talks about her struggle with anxiety and insecurity. I was really touched by her honesty and strength of writing this post. I loved to read this so thought I might give it a try to finally write something more personal. Besides, a blog is still a place to share some personal things, isn't it?

Julia also talked about this in her post about the new year and actually I feel exactly the same way about it: 2013 was a year filled with crappy moments. We both had some very difficult things we had to go through. We studied together for several weeks for our exams, but both didn't finish with good results, which was very frustrating. We really wanted to study medicine in Leuven but didn’t succeed the exam to start.
In July, I went to visit Julia in Aachen (Germany) to start studying again but soon enough it was clear we both just couldn’t do this. One afternoon, Julia told me she had decided to move to Regensburg and study dentistry over there. Hearing my best friend was moving 800km away from me was really hard. Going through so many difficult moments together over the past months made us such close friends and I was really scared to loose her. This is also one of the many reasons why we started this blog in the first place, to make sure we kept in touch as much as possible!

A lot of times I’m really struggling with some serious insecurity issues. Maybe it'll sound weird to the people who don't know the feeling, but I'm sure there are a lot of people of you who are sometimes feeling the same way. Lots of people struggle with it but are too afraid to talk about it. When you're always scared of doing something wrong and losing your friends because of this, you'll always find new things to start worrying about.

If there's one thing I want to change in 2014, it's definitely the fact that I'm always so worried about what other people might think of me. Sometimes when I lay in bed at night, I'm just running through the day in my head to make a list of all the things I did wrong. I'm analyzing every talk I had: Did I talk to much? Or was I too quiet? If I don't hear anything from my friends for some time or they don't answer at my message, does this mean I did something wrong? Are they mad? Is everything OK with them? Did something bad happen? Maybe there just busy or forgot to answer. I'll hear them pretty soon. I'll just wait a few days, but then I'm just constantly thinking about all these worst case scenario's and keep wondering what might be wrong. This way, a person can sometimes ruin my entire day or week, a lot of times without them even realizing it or doing it on purpose. Even though I know there can't be anything wrong, I sometimes can't stop myself worrying about it. It's just, when you're always thinking about the things that might go wrong, you'll pretty soon get the feeling there's actually something wrong. I've been trying to work on it for a very long time now, but really hope for 2014 to be the year where these feelings go away. Having to doubt about everything you do or say can really take a lot of energy and there comes a moment when you just can't take it anymore.
Well, it took me a very long time to write this post and I'm still hesitating a bit to put him on the blog. How will people react? Will they understand? Will they laugh about it? I just thought, if I want to stop worrying about what other people might think about me, this might me a good start.

I'm really thankful to have been able to meet a person as wonderful as Julia. Last year, we had such  wonderful time together here in Leuven. Even when we were studying, we were having fun! Having a friend who's always there for you and with who you can talk about literally everything is just priceless! Never forget I'll always be there for you too, Jules!

There's only one thing left to say: thanks for everything honey!  Can't wait 'till February when you're finally coming back to Leuven for some days, I miss you like hell!

Thanks for reading.
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